I want to be okay. I want us to be okay.
But I’m afraid the risks are just too high.
My heart says I love you, but my fear says it’s not safe.
And fear has the louder voice right now.
So, I want to trust you, but I don’t.
And this is where I put my head down on my desk. I don’t know whether to cry or to hold this angst in and stare at the wall.
I want my closest relationships to have the assurance of safety, honesty, and stability. But we don’t always get what we want. We get what we get....
Have you ever found yourself imagining all the real reasons your friend seemed distant the last time you saw them? Or tried to figure out the hidden agenda of family members who say one thing but you are certain mean something different?
Sometimes, what we are sensing is spot-on and helps us know what needs to be addressed. But other times we are unnecessarily projecting things onto others that just aren’t there. We don’t want to get it wrong, but we also don’t know what to do from here. These kinds of mental gymnastics are exhausting and make us hold back the very best of who we are for fear of getting hurt. That’s exactly what was happening with me.
But it wasn’t just other people causing my issues with trust to be at an all-time high. I was also questioning myself.
I was usually the one who believed the best about everyone and thought they had my best intentions at heart. It used to be easy to trust people. And in the few situations when I felt scared or not as sure of that trust, I calmed myself down by noting my own keen discernment. I was confident I would be able to detect if something were going sideways.
