Why Canned Cranberry Sauce is King

DUKE CANNON GIVES THANKS FOR CANNED CRANBERRY SAUCE

Just a few examples: your grandad’s preferred light beer, pumpkin pie filling, baked beans, certain hearty soups, sardines, and yes—canned cranberry sauce.

In the likelihood that sometime in the future we all live in underground bunkers, safe from the mutated radioactive mutant hordes rampaging above, you can rest assured that canned cranberry sauce will be there for you. It may not pair perfectly with SPAM, but beggars, as they say, cannot be choosers.

Thanksgiving is chock-full of lumpen, messy foods that spill all over the plate, with gravy leaking around every item like un undammed river. A tidy, circular disc of jellied cranberry brings some much-needed order to what is otherwise chaos.

You can carry it in one hand, which leaves the other hand free to carry a six-pack of beer and/or some bottles of wine. Say hello to the one-man Food & Beverage Department.

We are not loafers here in Duke Cannon Country, but Thanksgiving dinner is tricky enough to pull off as it is. When you are trying to avoid serving an undercooked turkey that comes with a side helping of salmonella, or an overcooked one that results in a giant pan of jerky (not to mention tending to a kajillion side dishes), simply opening a can starts to look pretty good.

Canned cranberry sauce cans are intentionally made upside down, with the rounded edge on top and the sharp edge on the bottom. This creates an air bubble on the rounded side (the top) so that eager diners can swipe that edge with a knife, enabling the precious crimson cylinder to slide out, shape intact. And with that, you have an interesting anecdote to share at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Sure, everyone “ooh’s” and “ahh’s” when a perfectly browned turkey is set on the dinner table. But that pales in comparison to the rapture that ensues when a can of cranberry sauce is opened, the delicious jellied cannister slides out with a satisfying “SCHLUCK” sound, then plops onto your finest serving plate, ready for slicing.

The word “Thanksgiving” was uttered, so your discount radar has no doubt started pinging. Well, be advised that very soon now, we will be setting loose a raft of BLACK FRIDAY DEALS, with HUGE SAVINGS on many of your favorite high-quality grooming goods. And best of all, you won't need to get up at 5AM and do battle with crazed bargain-hunters in the entryway of a large retail store to take advantage of them. Keep an eye on your email inbox for more details soon.