What Spooks Duke Cannon?

THINGS THAT SCARE DUKE CANNON

It’s October, and that means a large segment of the population have shifted right into Halloween mode. Now, Duke Cannon doesn’t believe in ghosts and such, but there are things that have been known to make us shudder. So, as we begin to decorate our lawn with foam tombstones and 12’ skeletons (8’ skeletons are also acceptable), we thought we’d face our fears head on and share some of them with you.

There is always a house in the neighborhood said to be haunted, and therefore avoided by the local kids. We see nothing to fear in a Victorian in need of a fresh coat of paint, but few things make our flesh crawl like the sight of patchy, uneven grass and rampant dandelions. 

You just finished building a new dining room table in your spare time and you naturally head to your garage fridge for a well-earned can of celebratory suds. The door slowly creaks open, revealing the grisly sight within—no beer! Your scream is heard for miles.

We are not gluttons, but neither are we thrilled when we open a large bag of potato chips only be greeted with a blast of escaping air. Peering in, we see about half a bag of chips, now priced higher than before. Few are the men among us who can view such a sight and not be gripped by a sense of revulsion.

“The Exorcist” is a walk in the park compared to this harrowing film that somehow won the Oscar for Best Picture. If you decide to watch it, we recommend doing so with the lights on.

Some are frightened by supernatural creatures like Dracula or the Wolf Man, but we are far more terrified by the kind of monster who preys on innocent cuts of quality meat. What drives them? Where did they acquire their unholy appetite for old shoe leather? It’s terrifying.

We understand that gas mileage is of concern to many citizens, and we respect that. But hearing an underpowered engine struggle to gain ground on even the most modest of inclines is a bone-chilling scenario regardless of your transportation budget.

And with Halloween season officially kicked off, Duke Cannon felt it only right that we should resurrect our Big Ass Brick of CANDY CORN SOAP and send it lurching out in the showers across the land. With it’s sweet and smoky vanilla scent, this spooky brick may not satisfy your sweet tooth (please do not eat it), but it is certain to satisfy your nostrils..